Hi Luke,
You've got some pretty hefty adjustments, for example +100 Orange Luminance. Have you studied, read, watched videos on retouching? Most of the time adjustments should be subtle. You've got sliders going all over the place. The top photo looks like you've tried using the Tone Curve, did you? If so it's not a smooth curve. I only use the HSL adjustments for real fine tweaking. Try to get your image close, then perhaps tweak it slightly in HSL.
You might search YouTube for Portrait Retouching in LR. Here's one by Terry White,
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or Anthony Morganti
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYwLP7r8Yg0.
There's also places like Creative Live, or Lynda.com that have hundreds of classes.
I think you need to slow down while post-processing, you should be able to see when your adjustment(s) start going stray and pull back from that. Post-Processing is an art in and of itself. Many big league photographers do not do their own, they hire it done. Speaking of that, look for tutorials by Kristina Sherk, she's considered one of the best in the country if not the world in retouching. That's what she does for the big time photographers. She knows her stuff.
